Yesterday….well, yesterday was not my best cooking/baking day. I have to remind myself—constantly, it seems—that they can’t all be winners, but man, do I ever take it hard.

For example: this whole-wheat molasses bread. I think the mistake with it was my expectations; I figured that it would be more bready, not so quick-bready.

I mean, it actually turned out okay, it just wasn’t the bread I thought it was going to be. Slathered with jam or clotted cream, though, my husband and I won’t care what it was supposed to be.

Which leads me to this sad sad place I call Taterfail. If you know me, you are aware that certain obsessions, culinary or otherwise, grip me for a mad time and don’t let go. And when I had a recipe for homemade tater tots….I think you can see where this is going.

First off, it is not as easy as it looks on paper.

My food processor worked a treat shredding then chopping said potatoes but things started to go wrong from there. The recipe asks that you mix in the salt with the raw taters and let it sit for about 5 minutes. So you let it sit, tip out collected juices expelled due to the introduction of salt, squeeze the tater bits (by the way, there is no way to make this less messy) and then form. You then freeze the “tots” for about half an hour harden them up and fry. Wait, wait, sorry, after you squeeze the taters of their excess starch and water, you sprinkle them with cornstarch, which theoretically allows them to hold their shape. THEORETICALLY.

Well…I added the amount of cornstarch called for, mixed it in and grabbed a handful of tater. Now the recipe says to close your hand tight with potato mixture in it and when you release, it should hold together enough to form a tot. And…it sort of did. “Hmm,” says I, “it couldn’t hurt to add a bit more cornstarch, now could it?” OH YES, IT CAN. Add to that, I’ve never deep-fried anything at home in my life, ruined a brand-new candy/fry thermometer whilst heating up a pot of oil, thus blowing out the glass bottom, ruining a large batch of oil…oh, dammit, Ore-Ida, Uncle, Uncle! Wisely, my husband stepped in, decided we could shallow-fry them in a skillet. As you can see, the first batch were “ew.”

Was it worth it, after all the trouble and complications? Not really. The excess cornstarch made the tots taste weird and, well, starchy. I mean, I’m glad I tried but this is a food I’ll gladly leave to pros.

Quick Whole Wheat and Molasses Bread

oil or butter for greasing pan

1 2/3 cups buttermilk or plain yogurt

2 1/2 cups (about 12 oz.) whole wheat flour

1/2 cup cornmeal

1 tsp. salt

1 tsp. baking soda

1/2 cup molasses

Heat oven to 325 degrees. Grease an 8×4-inch or 9×5-inch loaf pan, preferably nonstick.

Mix together dry ingredients. Stir molasses into buttermilk. Stir liquid into dry ingredients (just enough to combine) then pour into loaf pan. Bake until firm and a toothpick inserted into center comes out clean, 45 minutes to an hour. Cool on rack for 15 minutes before removing from pan.

Basic Potato Bites (aka Tater Tots)

3 to 4 large baking potatoes, peeled

1 heaping tsp. salt

1 tbl. granulated onion (optional)

2 to 3 tbl. cornstarch.

vegetable oil, for frying

Shred the potatoes into a large mixing bowl using the shredder attachment on your food processor. You should end up with 4 to 5 cups of potato shreds. Fill the bowl with water and rinse, changing the water 3 or 4 times until the water runs clear. Drain the shreds. Fit your food processor with a blade and pulse the shreds, in small batches, to chop them. Place the chopped bits on a sheet pan in a pile and add the salt and optional onion, and work this seasoning in with your fingers. Spread the bits out on the sheet pan and let rest for 5 minutes. Tip out any juices that have collected in the pan. Squeeze the bits, in handfuls, over the sink to rid them of additional moisture. Spread the cornstarch over the potatoes and work it in with your fingers. A handful of the mixture should hold its shape when squeezed in your hand.

Line a sheet with wax paper. Form the tots with gentle pressure in your hands (you’ll get the hang of it quickly). Line them on the sheet pan. When finished, place the pan in the freezer and freeze for 30 minutes, just until the surface has hardened.

Fry the tots submerged in oil heated to 375 degrees. If they stick to the bottom, let them brown before gently scraping them free with a steel spatula. Remove when golden brown—about 4 minutes.