Oh my god, you have no idea how many times I’ve effed up risotto.

About four or five years ago, with my love of risotto being nourished at some fine restaurants here in Atlanta—okay, really one restaurant—I had resolved to achieve it for my own pleasure at home. Noble enough, yes? I mean, for God’s sake, who doesn’t want that creamy delectable arborio goodness bursting on the tongue as you sit at your retro kitchen table, closing your eyes, thinking “This is what Heaven tastes like every night at the Vegas-like buffet”?

Yes, well, not as simple, apparently. I attempted no less than two risottos from the famous and familiar ladies from the Silver Palate. A spring primavera one and other meatier one, and all fell flat.

The rice never reached al dente stage; it remained resolutely chalky in the center and frankly, I’m willing to put up with much, but that kind of rice is bloody inedible. Nothing can save it. I was dumbfounded; I followed the techniques to the letter, I did everything that Sheila Lukins and party told me to do to get this piece of carbo-nirvana for myself. Yet I failed.

Then came Mario bloody Batali. He had done a recipe for the NYT that said that most blasphemous of all edicts involving risotto: you really don’t have to stir it all the damn time. About once every couple of minutes will do. And you know what, that fantastic orange-clog-wearing dude was right.

It doesn’t have to be. You have to be patient, yes, but you don’t have to be anal.

I'm still workin' on those picture takin' skillz.

So all those risotto recipes that require you to stir and stir, standing exhausted and anxious at the stove, waiting for the stock to soak up before you add another ladle of broth, I say to you: don’t. Trust Mario because I now trust him.

This makes the second of risottos I’ve made using his advice and let me tell you, each one has come out perfect and worthy of song and praise and little cherubs with harps that flitter around the head. Seriously, even if you do this for yourself or for yourself and a loved one or for a dinner party, you will be much much happier.

There is a caveat about the following recipe, though. It called for grilled mushrooms marinated in  garlic, wine, and red wine vinegar. And despite my dislike for the fungus, I was going to try it anyway. But then as I perused the aisles of Trader Joe’s, I realized that I hated to spend money on an ingredient I wasn’t entirely sure I would like so it seemed like a waste.

But then I thought of something better that I DID like.

There used to be this restaurant in East Atlanta called Heaping Bowl; this establishment used to offer, as a dish, a “heaping” (har har) bowl of mashed potatoes topped with a prodigious list of toppings. Caramelized onions were one of them—as well as bacon, chicken, faux-chicken, sundried tomatoes, etc. I used to get a bowl of potatoes with those lovely onions and sour cream. A carb coma for sure, but honestly one of the most wonderful things I’ve ever eaten. It went belly-up for some reason years ago and I’d always thought about recreating the dish I’d loved, but I never got around to it. But I thought about recreating caramelized onions with another dish I adore as well: risotto.

You can find an easy primer on caramelized onions here. Imagine this topping a bowl of creamy rice with a sprinkling of Parmesan and you can hear yourself saying: “Gabe, baby, does Heaven always have this? Because if it does, I’m glad you’ve got me for eternity.” Before I give you the recipe, I want you to know that there’s even easier ways to achieving a perfect moment of time that doesn’t require your passing. Imagine an early fall evening, all the windows open to let in that tease of cool-ish air. You cooking and tasting and checking on your risotto, a tumbler of red wine in your hand, sipping, savoring. The cats (or dogs or ferrets or hedgies, whatever) happy and content too. There is some Julie London or Etta James in the background; life is ideal.

Enjoy.

So good and so worth YOU.

Red Wine Risotto

3 Tbl. EVOO (shut up! I’m lazy right now.)

2 shallots, finely chopped

3 cloves of garlic, minced

4 branches fresh thyme

1/2 cup dry red wine (I recommend a peppery cabernet)

salt and pepper to taste

5 cups veggie/chicken stock (your choice)

1 1/2 cups arborio rice

grated parmesan to serve

caramelized onions (optional)

Heat oil in a large heavy saucepan. Add shallots, thyme, garlic. Saute over medium heat until everything is soft, probably about four to five minutes. Stir in rice and cook two or three minutes; you’ll know because the rice starts to take on a translucent color. Stir in the remaining wine and cook until nearly gone, about 2 minutes. Add stock about 1/2 cup at a time. For the first ten minutes, every two minutes, stir the broth is gone. Keep ladling out stock a 1/2 cup at time…stir every three minutes until the stock is gone. Keep doing this until you taste the rice. When the rice is al dente, then you’re done. There is no exact science but when the rice hits your tasting tooth…perfect.

When the risotto is how you like, divvy it up, sprinkle with Parmesan, top it with the caramelized onions (optional), and enjoy!